That was funny! Quick, tell me another one before I have to lop your head off. Too late! Your head is already rolling! HAHHAHAHAHAA!
-The Red Clown
The king Hornestus Leopold thought himself surrounded by enemies. Self-titled Hornestus the Bold, the king confronted these “enemies”, finding them in whatever stones they hid under. Hornestus’ subjects (when they were not being observed) knew the king as “Hornestus the Headless”, as he made it clearly known that he would rule an entire kingdom of headless subjects to be free of enemies and conspirators at last.
From the beginning to the end of each day, executioners plied their axes, fulfilling the kings rising quotas for conspirator blood. Their bodies could not keep pace with the demands. Even Hornestus found himself fatigued. The executions had become…tiresome. This worried him even more. If he could not be eternally vigilant, his enemies would find a way into the throne room with daggers in hand. How to alleviate that boredom growing in his heart?
Sedello! The jester languished in the king’s dungeons. Hornestus kept the fool waiting a full ten years for a jest made at the king’s expense. Hornestus had failed all this time to devise a suitable end for Sedello, but the fool would now serve higher aims. Darkly inspired, the king thought to laugh his way through the ennui of his daily executions.
The king’s guards dragged the fool into the light for his new work. The fool was dressed in the same jester’s outfit the king imprisoned him in. These ten long years Sedello remained in good spirits. Surely, the king took some mild offense and needed to find the appropriate moment to apologize and entertain Hornetus. Once Hornestus let the performer revise his routine (with a noticeable absence of comments regarding the king himself) all would be forgiven and returned as it once was. Sedello began his routine and his wit shone, creating the only bright spot in the gallows. Men waiting to executed even found their humor at the last.
Hornestus kicked the executioner’s axe towards the fool. ”Alright fool, get to work. Behead that man or back to your cell to rot forever.”
The fool begged the king to spare him this grisly duty, but Hornestus would not be turned. Afraid to face ten more years in a lightless cell by himself, Sedello clumsily hoisted the axe. His weak frame proved unsuitable for the task. He fumbled the strikes, slipping and tumbling in the bloody mess he created. Ten minutes later the piteous beheading was done; Hornestus erupted into deep belly laughter at the spectacle.
“You’ll see the cell again, fool. You’ll come when called and entertain me. Behead my enemies after the joke is made and then go back to your cell. You’ll continue in this way until you die or I grow bored.” Sedello stood, eyes fixated on nothing. He was covered in blood, leaning exhaustedly on an axe larger than he. The king’s guards dragged the fool back to his cell.
Rather than wither, the man who became known as the Red Clown grew. Each time the Red Clown was called from the cell, his hands steadied; his frame soon fleshed itself out with muscle for its tasks. He could now cut a man as easily with an axe as he could with wit and He cut men with both daily. With a joke, a smile, and a quick chop of the axe, the Red Clown became the icon of Hornestus’ bloody rule.
One day the Red Clown’s smile vanished. That day the king and everyone in his keep lost their heads. His last performance completed, the clown threw his axe in the river. He was never seen again.
His axe has been seen many places over the years, in the hands of men mad with slaughter, cackling and laughing as they stomp through fields of blood and gore.
The Laughing Axe
Though large, the axe moves well and lightly in your hands. How easy would it be to behead someone. The thought makes you giddy…almost enough to join the cackling you can hear in laughter.
Whispers: Your life is the darkest of jokes! Laugh you dimwit. Smile. Take the axe and make a thousand smiles just like yours! If things are too serious, lighten the mood!
Lvl 10 Executioner’s Axe
Enhancement Bonus: +2 bonus to attack and damage rolls
Critical: +2d10 damage.
Property: Cursed.
Property: Bards can use the Laughing Axe as an implement.
Property: Jovial Slaughter;Whenever you bloody or drop an enemy, make an intimidate check to against any enemy within 2 squares of the target as a free action. If you make the intimidate check, the opponent surrenders or flees.
Property: Slaughter Madness; When bloodied, you can a +2 item bonus to damage.
Curse (Daily): Laughing Blasphemy; As a free action, choose 1: Wielder suffers a -5 to his next Diplomacy check or is dazed until the end of his next turn.
Release: Behead a king; Tell a joke to a creature from the Shadowfell and get it to laugh.
A Jack of All Trades ,or if you prefer, an extreme example of multi-classing, Gamefiend, a.k.a Quinn Murphy has been discussing, playing and designing games straight out of the womb. He is the owner and Editor-in-Chief of this site in addition to being an aspiring game designer. As you would assume, he is a huge fan of 4e.
By day he is a technologist.
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That’s awesome. I don’t know if I could do that justice as a player, but dang, I want to see that in a game.
Very nice. I’ve got a ton of ideas for this one.
@Dan awesome! Glad you liked, and you may get a chance to try it out
@Ron nice. What are some ideas you have?
I love it. One issue though… Tell a joke to a creature from the Shadowfell and make it laugh? *turns to my former gnome revenant buddy in my group and grins* too easy…